Manly Bike For Sale

Found this on Liz Hatch's blog:

What kind of bike? I don’t know, I’m not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick ass spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you’re way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan’s mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying “FUCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME”.

The bike says Giant on the side because it’s referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy shit so I said no way.

The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad ass you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that’s bad ass in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you’re going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you’re probably a dickless lizard who doesn’t like to look intimidating.

The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some shit and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you’re going to love this thing because it doesn’t try to penetrate your ass or anything.

I’ve topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you’re just a regular man you’ll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total:

Gear 1 - Sissy Gear
Gear 2 - Less Sissy Gear
Gear 3 - Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 - Boy Gear
Gear 5 - Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 - Manly Gear
Gear 7 - Big Muscles Gear

I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest.

Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull’s testicles and tells people you don’t fuck around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves “Hey asshole, touch this bike and I’ll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four”.

Bike is for 150 OBO (and don’t give me no panzy prices).

This One's for You, Dad

Although you won't be going through chemo and I can't be with you while you go through these tough times, I felt that I could do something small that will remind me of you and what you will endure every day.

I shaved my head.
I guess you can call it a form of symbolism. I call it trying to relate. I know what I'm going through with the awkwardness of looking at my white dome, the funny looks from passersby, the comments from co-workers and friends are not even close to comparable to the seriousness of what you will be going through for the next few months and possibly (hopefully not) years of your life.

This is the least I could do to let you know that I'm pulling for you and thinking of you everyday.

You know, Sara & Matt make fun of me not only for looking like you, but having similar mannerisms. For years it has been their trump to anything I would make fun of them about. Nobody wants to be like their parents when they are young.

But you know what Dad? You are, and have always been a great father to all of us, even to children that weren't your own. You have always been willing to help others in life. I mean, you even put up with Marky when he wanted to learn how to play every sport that Sara & Matt played. Somehow, someway, you made time to make your way to, or at least make an attempt to attend your three kids' athletic games even when they were in three different, distant locations on the same day.

You worked your ass off in order for your children to be able to play any sport they wanted. I want you to know that we all understand the extra hours you must have put in so that we could play club soccer and baseball and go to tournaments on the weekends. And what's more, you were always there.

When we go out around Wau-Town you are a freakin' hero to so many younger guys. I see these kids come running up to you and they just want to talk about old times when they were growing up and hang out with you. I hardly know who half of them are but I just assume that you coached them in baseball. You know, not every dad gets that kind of response from a kid. You are a pretty freakin' special guy.

I'm proud to be like you, Dad.

Peace, Keep it real...You know the rest.

Now get your ass out to Colorado like you've always wanted to do!

Yet Another Sick Ride

I don't think I have ridden four days in a row since I moved to Colorado. If not for Thursday's Black Keys/My Morning Jacket show at Red Rocks I'd have ridden seven straight days. It's sad that I don't ride much, I know. I wish I could say I've been busy with this internship the whole time but I can't. I've had plenty of free time and I always think about riding but when it would come down to it, I was just too lazy to get out and do it.

I have to thank Lee from Criterium Bicycles since he has become a big influence in my riding over the last month. So thanks, Lee for re-lighting that spark.

Over the last four days I have ridden four new trails. Colorado is amazing. I'm in the Springs, this isn't even a mountain bike destination and there is probably more accessible trail from my doorstep than there is in all of Illinois.

So anyway, today I met Lee and five others at Balanced Rock in Garden of the Gods for a ride up Rampart Range road and into the Williams Canyon trespass. The ride to our drop in spot was about 5 miles up Rampart Range Rd right under the shooting range. Yeah, there's a freakin' open shooting range just off the side of the road that is pretty unregulated. People just show up and shoot their guns at anything in sight. Crazy, I know. I guess that's why the area of this trailhead is closed but there were no gun slingers this afternoon so we rode on, brother.

Portions of the ride reminded me a lot of SO ILL riding. Lots of baby head sized rocks, technical sections, creek crossings and lots of trees in your face. Then the trail dumps you out in an amazing canyon with lots of caves and rock formations and reminds you that you're not in SO ILL anymore. I can't believe I forgot my camera today. After some more downhill on the old Cave of the Winds access road the trail ends at the old Cave of the Winds gate. I guess the access road was moved after a monster storm came through bringing enough water to destroy the road and dump huge boulders on the road.

Tomorrow is Pixie racing at Eric from Ground Up Productions place. Maybe I'll let ya'll in on what Pixie racing is on the next post. I'm gonna have to go ride that trail again just for some pics. In the meantime you can drool over these:

Long Days

After yesterday's long ride/hike I figured I'd fall right asleep and be energized for taking customers out on some new (to me) singletrack. Wrong. I got about two hours of sleep and then didn't eat anything before or during the ride. I had one beer in Salida after the ride on the Colorado Trail & South Foose's Creek and I was slurring my words. Good thing I didn't have to drive back to the Springs. I passed out on the ride back. So two hours of sleep and and thirteen hour day later you'd figure I'd be asleep by now. Nope. Still up. Again.



I shaved my head when I got home tonight. I must be tired and just not realized it.

My 1st Epic Ride in Colorado

I've officially lived in Colorado Springs for three months now. I have just finished my first "epic" ride since moving here. It wasn't the longest or even the most difficult ride that I have ever done, but the elements and the hike-a-bike sections certainly made it memorable.

From my house I can ride less than a mile up my street to Stratton Open Space and link up to a virtually endless network of singletrack and old rail road grade gravel roads. The road you see on the bottom left side of the pic is Gold Camp Rd. It's an old narrow gauge rail bed that used to run from the Springs up to Cripple Creek carrying gold, supplies and laborers. I've ridden that thing numerous times since working at the Academy. We offer rides that start in Cripple Creek and end in the Springs. Downhill for nearly 32 miles and goes through four tunnels.

Between the multi-use trails and gravel roads I could probably find a way to ride across the state. Hmmm...Don't think I haven't thought about it because it crosses my mind almost daily.

So anyway, my roommate (also a Saluki) have been shuttling up Cheyenne Canyon and riding Captain Jack's trail back down to our house. It's about a seven mile ride which is mostly downhill. This just doesn't cut it for me. I need some lung-busting style climbing in my rides. So we stopped into Old Town Bike Shop today to get some advice on adding mileage to this ride. Mechanic, Ted gave us lots of options so we headed out at about 3pm.....bad idea. Summer poses afternoon thunderstorms in the mountains almost daily.

So begins the epic-ness. We parked at the Gold Camp lot and rode a slightly uphill bit of Gold Camp Rd looking for some singletrack on our right hand side. We found some that was marked and the sign read two miles to where we wanted to go. That was the craziest two mile climb of my life. About twenty percent was ride-able. This really sucked for Joe who is not into climbing at all. I guess that's why he owns a fifty pound Santa Cruz VP Free downhill bike. Ouch!

In the middle of our crazy two mile climb it starts thundering. I keep pushing on, determined to earn some downhill. Then it begins to rain. Keep pushing on. Then it begins to rain harder. Keep on keepin' on. Then Joe and I take cover when the thunder gets real loud and the rain gets real heavy. After about a ten minute break, the rain lightens and the singletrack is ride-able....for me. Then we hit an awesome section of Aspens and it starts to hail, hard. Too far in to turn back, we keep on.

We finally see a trail marker but it has been destroyed by vandals so we have no idea which trail we are about to take. All we care about is that it heads back east. I ride ahead and find out we are on Pipeline Trail, not Buckhorn like we thought. Ah well, we've seen it on the map and know it will come out somewhere close to home. I just hoped it wasn't too far on pavement since I had Sydney (my dog) with me and I didn't want her running in traffic.

Pipeline was mostly downhill which meant it was finally a chance for Joe to ride his bike. This would be the first time he rode his bike since we left the car more than two miles ago. After Pipeline, Joe says the whole hike was totally worth it. Wow, I thought he was gonna be pissed after carrying his heavy freakin' bike up a mountain for a couple miles in the rain and hail.

Pipeline turned into Bear Creek trail which was almost as awesome as Pipeline but more climbing. Then Bear Creek met up with Captain Jack's and we were finally free of the rain. Sydney was dying by this point and we still had about five miles to get home. I had to keep yelling at the mutt to keep up even though her tongue was almost dragging on the ground. I felt bad but I wasn't gonna be able to carry her back.

So we're all home safe after a four hour day on the trail. Takin' some customers mountain biking at Monarch tomorrow so I'll have even more pics and stories. Sweet.

I'm Back!

Things have been really busy around here over the last month. I have been offered a job here at the Academy which will start when my internship ends, I moved to the far south end of town near the mountains, I've ridden some awesome singletrack, raced pixie bikes, just saw the Black Keys & My Morning Jacket at Red Rocks, completed one of the most ridiculous hikes and met some really great people. Needless to say I've got lots to write about and plenty of pics to post up for my peeps.

I'll start with these pics of bears that were in my driveway on Tuesday when I came home from work at 2pm. I have been waiting to see these bears for a while now. They have torn up our garbage a few times and I had all but given up on seeing them in person. Then they show up for a picnic in the middle of the day. It was awesome!